Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
