I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
