Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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