Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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