Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
