I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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