i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just high enough for therapy.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
