I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
