Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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