people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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