last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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