dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
