He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
