It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
