I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
