well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
