can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
