I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize