She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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