Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
