Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
