margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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