They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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