The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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