TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
