I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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