after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
