My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize