i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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