grandma shit on top of the toilet
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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