I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
