Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
as a side note pls kill me
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize