i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He better not be in your backpack
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
