Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He? As in you personified your dick?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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