dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
