i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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