Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize