Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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