EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
