A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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