wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize