I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
