I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
