your parents love me but you hate me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
