Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
