I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
