All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
