Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
why do cheetos always look like penises
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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