I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
