he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
