my soul wont recognize me after tonight
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
