dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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