i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
