Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
