no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
