Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
