shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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