well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My bed smells like the plague
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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