I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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